Funny Toasts For Every Occasion (That Will Actually Get Laughs)
At special events, from weddings to birthdays to retirement parties, it’s important to mark the day with a toast. It can just be a few words before the guests clink glasses, but it gives the occasion a special flair. And, in the spirit of celebration, it’s great to do a funny toast to get people in a good mood. That’s where we can help. We have rounded up some actually funny toasts to get the party started.
The word toast itself has an interesting history. In the 16th century, it was traditional to put a piece of toast in wine in order to cut some of the acidity and improve the flavor. Later, toast came to be used to describe a woman who added a bit of spice and flavor to the occasion, like a piece of toast in wine. We don’t put bits of bread in our drinks anymore—thank goodness—but we still like a bit of spice in our celebrations. That’s where today’s verbal toasts come in.
Funny wedding toasts
Wedding toasts are often directed at the newly-married couple. They typically give advice to the couple and wish the two lovebirds well in their new future together. And, almost always, they are a bit tongue-in-cheek.
1. To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the loving cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up. —Ogden Nash, “A Word to Husbands,” 1964
2. As you slide down the banister of life, may you miss all the splinters. —adapted from a toast in the Norwich (KS) Herald, July 23, 1915
3. Like good wine, marriage gets better with age—once you learn to keep a cork in it. —Gene Perret, Marriage is Forever… Some Days Longer, 2002
Funny anniversary toasts
If all goes well, every year after marriage is celebrated with an anniversary. These are traditionally times for members of a couple to celebrate and reaffirm their love for each other. These toasts are generally offered from one partner to the other to express how much they care… with a dash of humor for good measure.
1. I love you more than a duck can swim,
And more than a grapefruit squirts,
I love you more than gin rummy is a bore,
And more than a toothache hurts.
—Ogden Nash, “To My Valentine,” 1941
2. On our anniversary, I want you to know how much happiness and satisfaction I got from annoying you for all these years. I also want you to know that I have no plans of stopping anytime soon.
3. Unlike toilet paper, may our love never run out.
Funny birthday toasts
Birthdays are an opportunity to celebrate someone you love every year. But it’s also a good opportunity to razz someone you love a little bit for getting old. It’s a blessing to get old, but it’s also kind of funny, which the best birthday toasts acknowledge.
1. To your very good health. May you live to be as old as your jokes.
2. Don’t let aging get you down. It’s too hard to get up again.
3. Forget about the past; you can’t change it. Forget about the future; you can’t predict it. Forget about the present; I didn’t get you one.
4. If you’re going to take a nap at this age, let us know—we wouldn’t want to bury you by accident. —Deepak Kashyap
Funny graduation toasts
Graduation is an important milestone in a person’s life. It celebrates an impressive achievement: finishing a course of education that takes years, if not decades. But despite the serious achievement, toasts to new graduates can still be given with a sense of humor.
1. You are graduating from college. That means that this is the first day of the last day of your life. No, that’s wrong. This is the last day of the first day of school. Nope, that’s worse. This is a day. —Andy Samberg, Harvard commencement speech, 2012
2. Never let your schooling get in the way of your education. —often attributed to Mark Twain
3. Goodbye everyone! I’ll remember you all in therapy. —Plankton from Spongebob Squarepants
4. If at first you don’t succeed, find out if the loser gets anything. —attributed to William Lyon Phelps
Funny party toasts
Do you need a reason to throw a party? Not necessarily. These funny toasts are perfect for celebrating at a party with friends, without any particular occasion to commemorate. Some of these classic toasts come from Ireland, a nation known for its witty quips, poetry, and wordplay.
1. To the holidays—all 365 of them.
2. Here’s to a long life and a merry one. A quick death and an easy one. A pretty girl (or handsome lad) and an honest one. A cold beer—and another one! —Irish toast
3. Let us toast to bread, for without bread, there would be no toast.
My friends are the best friends
Loyal, willing, and able.
Now let’s get to drinking!
All glasses off the table! —Irish toast
Funny drinking toasts
Sometimes, there’s no specific occasion you’re celebrating with a toast; you’re just looking to commemorate a drinking session with your friends. For these more low-key moments, a funny toast can still be in order. Usually, toasts on these occasions are a way of celebrating your friends and the good time you’re sharing together.
1. May the winds of fortune sail you,
May you sail a gentle sea.
May it always be the other guy
who says, “This drink’s on me.” —Irish toast
2. I don’t know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve. —Bilbo Baggins in The Lord of The Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring by J.R.R. Tolkien, 1954
3. I would rather be with the people in this room than with the finest people I know. —Adapted from a line by Mayor Deebs, played by Fred Willard, in Roxanne (1987)
4. Three be the things I shall never attain: Envy, content, and sufficient Champagne.—Dorothy Parker, Enough Rope, 1926
5. [over a bottle of wine] One bottle for the four of us; thank God there’s no more of us. —Based on a popular WWI drinking song “Glorious” or “One More Drink for the Four of Us”
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